More on Honesty

Living honestly is a challenge. Consider the truth of yourself, who you are, versus the self you broadcast to the general public. The way we represent ourselves is often an embellished version of the truth. The fear of being outcast is great. I propose that lying (embellishing) is simply a survival instinct.

Here are some truths: I am a good designer, decent painter, fair writer, poor housekeeper, very good cook, somewhat overweight, forty-five, contemplative, great listener, great friend, punctual, direct, sometimes generous, independent and loving.

Here are some things I want to be: a great designer, a great painter, a great writer, more physically fit, a better housekeeper, somewhat stylish, more effective, a bit more ambitious, and more organized. All within the realm of possibility.

Being honest has not always been a choice that led to financial advantage. I worked for one company that prized efficiency. I was a good fit there, being decisive and working quickly. Later, I worked for a company where I was told to work more slowly. Employees there were in the practice of padding the schedule so that a three hour project would be scheduled for six hours, leading to an inefficient use of time and money. I could never get used to that. My coworkers were generally lazy and spent a lot of time goofing off, watching videos and playing games online. My efficient practices caused upper management to notice and question the difference in time management. It wasn’t long before I was let go, being the fly in the ointment.

I’m beginning to believe that I won’t be able to find a good fit, as far as employment goes. I need a place that appreciates efficiency but doesn’t abuse employees by being overly demanding. Working for myself may be the answer. That comes with its own problems. The biggest of these is strong self-promotion. I need to learn how to advertise my talents.

In the meantime, I contemplate honesty. If I place value on it, I’m sure to discover others who feel the same. I’m not worried about popularity, or about always being right. My concern is being able to live a life open to, and reflecting, the truth. I may struggle with this issue for the rest of my years, but honestly, it’s worth it.

Downtime

I use my time between freelance jobs on personal projects, otherwise, I’ll mope. Over the last week, I’ve started a short story. The writer’s group meets tonight, so that will give me time for concentrated effort on it, plus opportunity for critique. I’m sure I’ll hear the question, “Are you teasing us or are you actually going to finish this one?”. I’ve also been working on some t-shirt designs for a contest. One design is finished and two more will be worked out today.

It’s important to stay focused on projects that are meaningful, important to keep my skills sharp and to try to do more, to improve. If I end up in a slump, I usually seek out inspiration by watching documentaries on art, design or writing. Biographies too, examples of success achieved through persistence. It helps.

trivia

trivia – unimportant, trifling things or details, especially obscure and useless knowledge.

For the categories of movies, television, actors and music, I am the person you want on your pub trivia team. With just a few bits of information about a story, I can usually tell you the name of the movie or show, the primary actors, the year it aired and a list of other shows or movies the actors have been in. This type of information seems to be sticky, adhering to my grey matter in such a way as to be quickly retrieved. So far, my abilities have been for amusement purposes only. I don’t know how they could be applied to any type of employment, but wish I did. Just as I love to use Photoshop to mash up my friends with notable people, I love having the answers to buggery questions like “What is the name of the girl in the movie where Death takes some time off.”

Dangling the Carrot

The world of freelance can be confusing. Sometimes you get hired on for a temporary gig with the carrot of permanent employment dangled in front of you. For someone who has been taking care of their own benefits, taking unpaid vacations and paying self-employment taxes, that’s a good-lookin’ carrot. Add to that some inclusive future plans that get bandied about, a strong camaraderie with the (permanent) coworkers and your work being daily praised. Anyone would think that the offer was a done deal. Imagine the surprise of being told you aren’t exactly the right fit, at the last minute. That’s exactly what happened to me at my last freelance job, and it was a huge disappointment.

After the initial feeling of rejection that washed over me, I wondered why this job felt different than others. We’ve all heard not to count our chickens before they hatch and not to put all our eggs in one basket. After my first week on the job I decided to forget about that and for once in my life to leap before looking – straight into the hope that I wouldn’t normally harbor when working freelance. It reminded me of an episode of Sex in the City, in which after a few dates with a guy, he begins to talk “couple” talk: “I have friends with a great place in the Hamptons, we’ll go next summer” or “I can’t wait to kiss you on New Year’s eve” or just saying “we” enough to make it seem that a relationship is in progress. Then the guy stops calling for no apparent reason.

What are the advantages to the carrot-dangler here? By giving the impression of complete acceptance, they receive a worker who tries to quickly adapt to their environment and become comfortable with their processes and coworkers at a level higher than a freelancer typically reaches for. I don’t see any disadvantages, as they hold all the cards.

What does this do for the freelancer? It creates false hope and inspires bitterness at being rejected. If this happens more than once or twice, it can quickly sour the freelancer on any promises that might be made in future endeavors. It can damage their view of themselves, their work and the working world entire. Luckily for me, this isn’t my first time around the block. I asked for a meeting with the people who made the decision and then asked them to clarify their reasons. I wasn’t emotional, but practical. I made it clear that I cared about them and about what they wanted to achieve, that if they could be specific, I might be able to recommend another person who could give them what they need. My main goal was to make sure they understood that if they are taking the promise of income away from a person, they should be accountable for that decision. It is not a thing to be taken lightly. The meeting allowed the air to be cleared and we closed with words of mutual respect and encouragement.

The bright side of the experience is this: I did good work for good money, made new contacts, left the company with a good impression and future possibilities – just like any other freelance job. The only difference here was that I had developed hope. Is that so bad? No.

You only fall as far as you fly. It’s a strength to fly high and it’s worth taking a fall now and then. If you go through a similar experience and can depart graciously, you’ve won something. You’ve kept your integrity.

things to do

If I don’t make a list of things to do, I end up not doing much. Today was productive. In addition to the usual laundry and dishes, I edited a short story,  worked on my web page, decided on a name for my freelance business and baked cupcakes from scratch.

Tonight I’ll be working at Kettle Art.

 

Frugal Freelancer

My dad was proud of his frugal habits. I remember following him through the grocery store while he calculated the pennies per ounce of every item. Even though, as a kid, it was a drag being told to make do with generic things – cereal, clothing, shoes, etc. – he taught me a lesson in being frugal. By pointing out that most generic products were just as good as the ones with splashy TV ads, I learned to discriminate and spend my pennies on what really mattered.

My mom was not of the same opinion. She equated brand with value. In her mind, the name meant it was better. Being raised in a very poor family during the Depression, she’d had enough of making do. If she wanted apple juice, she would reach out and take a bottle without any thought of checking the prices. She banned Dad from the shopping after feeling embarrassed by his thorough and time-consuming calculations.

I observed and tried to find a balance between two extremes. Dad believed in saving money, never enjoying a vacation because, to him, it was time he could have been working. Mom believed in spending money, feeling excited by the ability to have what she wanted, when she wanted it. Finding middle ground required appreciating the thinking behind the opposing ideals. There is a time and place for saving and a time and place for spending.

Since being down-sized in 2009, I’ve been relying on freelance work to make ends meet. It turns out that I’m much more like my dad than my mom. Frugality is serving me well in this economy. Dad didn’t believe in owing anyone anything, which translated into having no credit cards and not even getting something on lay-a-way. He believed in the barter system, often doing things like plowing a field in return for a portion of the resulting harvest, or sharing rides with a friend. His advice to me, after I moved out on my own, still comes to mind, “Take 10% of what you earn for tithes. Divide the remainder into thirds. The first third should go to rent, the second should go to food, utilities and general household expenses. The final third should go into savings.” Although a bit extreme, it’s still a good guideline to follow.

From my mom, I learned to loosen up and splurge now and then. Sometimes I treat myself to dinners out and order whatever I want without looking at the prices. Sometimes I buy Godiva’s instead of M&Ms. Splurging can be done without ruining the household budget. For example, I wanted to take a trip to Mexico, so I took on a part-time job for a few weeks and spent that money on my trip.

I’m lucky that the things that make me happy don’t come with a big price-point, reading good books, spending time with people I care about, drawing and painting, cooking. I think both of my parents would feel proud of how I spend my time and my money.

Dreamweaver

I’m being tutored in Dreamweaver, a web development application. Tonight, we went over my homework and I learned a lot through making changes. I’m learning a little CSS. Lots more homework this week. Dana is an excellent teacher.